Weekly Breakdown: Chicago Teachers and Radical Muslims strike

• The Chicago Teachers Union, whose median salary of $71K dwarfs the $27K median per capita income of other Chicago residents, went on strike after rejecting a pay increase of 16% in a city of 9% unemployment. That’d be like Alfonso Soriano of the Cubs, wildly overpaid and underachieving on a losing team, holding out for a new contract. Or already filthy rich Wall Street CEOs expecting million dollar severance packages after running their companies into the ground, or… okay, now I see where they got the idea from.

• Apart from salary, one of the main drivers of the strike was union outrage over plans to use standardized tests to evaluate teacher performance. “Being judged based on the performance of our students is inherently unfair. It’d be like judging Barack Obama on the poor economic performance of American citizens who just don’t seem to get the story he’s trying to tell.” said union head Karen Lewis, in an illogical yet bizarrely consistent comparison.

• Paul Ryan made an opportune quip about the situation, stating, “We stand with Mayor Rahm Emanuel!” Not understanding the importance of timing, circumstance, or logic in making a joke, Joe Biden sought to counter his VP opponent by stating, “And I sit with Clint Eastwood, cause he has an empty chair!”

• Mitt Romney quickly expressed outrage at the tragic embassy attacks in Egypt and Libya, where four Americans were killed, specifically criticizing a Cairo embassy statement that preceded the attacks.  The press colluded to ask him loaded questions that implied he was inappropriately politicizing the situation. Romney steadfastly stood by his previous statements, similar to how former President Bush stubbornly stood by his disastrous decision to remain in Iraq, and… OH NO I’VE TURNED INTO ONE OF THEM! 

• Hillary Clinton exemplified the weakness Romney was criticizing, expressing what seemed to be lament that the US can’t prevent anti-Islam videos like the one used to justify the attacks from “seeing the light of day”,  because we’re hamstrung by our country’s “long tradition of free expression”. The statement did seem to help the Muslim world gain understanding, as they collectively replied, “And your ‘long tradition’ of laws against murder… is that why you don’t kill all the Jews?”

• Apparently not having heard about the incident, First Lady Michelle Obama called obesity our “greatest threat to national security.”

• Acting like he hadn’t heard about the incident, President Barack Obama flew to Las Vegas, aka Sin City, that very night. When asked about the appropriateness of the trip when the nation had just been attacked, Joe Biden interjected, “Me and Barry don’t miss a bachelors weekend for nothin’! WOOO! Vegas, baby!!!”

• Earlier in the week, Jay-Z criticized Occupy Wall Street for incoherence, and Occupy Wall Street responded, “That’s ironic coming from a man who named his firstborn Blue Ivy.” Well, at least that’s what I imagine they’d say if those incoherent fools could string a full sentence together.

• On Wall Street, the stock market dramatically shot up Thursday afternoon after an announcement by the Fed that they’re basically just gonna start printing a whole lot more money. So for the record: Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke is pulling off a move on the American people that my little sisters wouldn’t have let me pull off in a game of Monopoly.

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