• The Chicago Teachers Union, whose median salary of $71K dwarfs the $27K median per capita income of other Chicago residents, went on strike after rejecting a pay increase of 16% in a city of 9% unemployment. That’d be like Alfonso Soriano of the Cubs, wildly overpaid and underachieving on a losing team, holding out for a new contract. Or already filthy rich Wall Street CEOs expecting million dollar severance packages after running their companies into the ground, or… okay, now I see where they got the idea from.

• Apart from salary, one of the main drivers of the strike was union outrage over plans to use standardized tests to evaluate teacher performance. “Being judged based on the performance of our students is inherently unfair. It’d be like judging Barack Obama on the poor economic performance of American citizens who just don’t seem to get the story he’s trying to tell.” said union head Karen Lewis, in an illogical yet bizarrely consistent comparison.

• Paul Ryan made an opportune quip about the situation, stating, “We stand with Mayor Rahm Emanuel!” Not understanding the importance of timing, circumstance, or logic in making a joke, Joe Biden sought to counter his VP opponent by stating, “And I sit with Clint Eastwood, cause he has an empty chair!”

• Mitt Romney quickly expressed outrage at the tragic embassy attacks in Egypt and Libya, where four Americans were killed, specifically criticizing a Cairo embassy statement that preceded the attacks.  The press colluded to ask him loaded questions that implied he was inappropriately politicizing the situation. Romney steadfastly stood by his previous statements, similar to how former President Bush stubbornly stood by his disastrous decision to remain in Iraq, and… OH NO I’VE TURNED INTO ONE OF THEM!  Continue reading →