What would Mitch Hedberg say? – Part 1

When we referenced Mitch Hedberg in a post earlier this week, we started thinking about more of his jokes. Today is the seventh anniversary of his passing, so in honor of his life and comedy, we decided to try to figure out what Mitch Hedberg would have to say about today’s political scene. Enjoy:

1.  “You know when it comes to racism, people say: ‘ I don’t care if they’re black, white, purple, or green.’ Uh, hold on now: purple or green?! You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! Unless they’re suffocating, then help ’em.”
Hedberg lays out the path of unending political correctness and non-judgmentalism. We should always be checking to make sure our society’s moral compass is properly calibrated, but those who wish to throw out the concept of a moral compass altogether would lead us down a dangerous path… where we’re overrun by purple people. 

2.  “I love my FedEx guy ’cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it. And he’s always on time.”
Isn’t it obvious? Hedberg’s joke is a commentary on the efficiency of the free market… and a call for drug legalization.

3.  “Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier’n helpin’ ’em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load into a truck.”
An ironic criticism of the liberal welfare state, and the perverse incentives it creates. Hedberg is happy to help a friend, but 99 weeks unemployment? Eventually we’re just paying people to stay put.

4.  “If you asked my sister Wendy if she thought I was weird, she’d say, ‘Yeah.’ But that’s <baloney> ’cause she’s weird, cause she like has a family and a family picture on their VCR where they’re all looking slightly to the left. Like something over there happened, and made everybody happy. But my sister’s cross-eyed, so she can’t quite pull it off. One eye is right <spot> on.”
DC insiders, the mainstream media, and career politicians act like the Tea Party and other conservatives are crazy for being alarmed about a $16 trillion debt that no one has any plan for actually paying back. Their groupthink condescension is what’s truly weird. And Nancy Pelosi and Joe Biden are the cross-eyed sister giving the game away.

5.  “Sometimes I wave to people I don’t know. It’s very dangerous to wave to someone you don’t know because, what if they don’t have a hand? They’ll think you’re cocky. ‘Look what I got <jerk>! This thing is useful. I’m gonna go pick something up!’ “
This one goes out to Outrage, Inc., who sit around copying down conservative radio show transcripts, just looking for something to ignite a faux uproar.

6.  “If I was a locksmith, I’d be… pimping that out. ‘Say, what’s goin’ on, man? Tell you what, I’ll trade you a free key duplication…’ [laughs] That joke made me laugh before I could finish it. Which is good ’cause there’s no ending.”
Liberals are always in a mad rush to apply a legislative “solution” to any perceived problem. They only care about getting a bill passed, and forget to consider the incentives created and all of the unintended consequences down the road.

7. “You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it, I don’t need another step between me and toast.”
Government bureaucrats just can’t help but regulate us “for our own good”. It’s now nearly impossible to open an ice cream parlor in SF, requires a license to braid hair, and is illegal for kids to run a lemonade stand. The nanny state claims to be keeping us safe, but in reality they’re just an extra, unnecessary plastic wrap getting in our way.

8.  “When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. ‘Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter.’ But I like crackers man, that’s why I bought it, ’cause I like crackers! I don’t see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn’t buy them because they’re little edible plates! You’ve got no faith in the product itself.”
The federal government simply does too much, and should stick to its enumerated powers under the Constitution. We should have faith in the founders’ vision, and the success it’s had in making us the greatest country on earth.

9.  “So I wish I could play little league now, I’d kick some <butt>.”
Liberals believe in using overwhelming government power to correct inequalities that naturally occur in any free society. In the process, they end up skewing the game even more.

10.  “Xylophone is spelled with an X, that’s wrong, xylophone’s zzzz, X? I don’t… see it. It should be a Z up front, next time you have to spell xylophone, use a Z. When someone says, ‘Hey that’s wrong,’ say, ‘No it ain’t. If you think that’s wrong, you need to get your head Z-rayed.’ It’s like X wasn’t given enough to do, so they had to promise it more. Okay, you don’t start a lot of words, but we’ll give you a co-starring role in tic-tac-toe. And you will be associated with hugs and kisses. And you will mark the spot. And you will make writing Christmas easier. And incidentally, you will start xylophone. Are you happy, you ‘ X?!”
A scathing indictment of affirmative action and racial quotas. Hedberg captures the resentments those policies cause, and summarizes in one joke Thomas Sowell’s meticulously compiled data on their negative effects. Expect Ward Connerly to be quoting Hedberg during his next campaign.

Still to come: Part 2 – What would Mitch Hedberg say… about Obamacare?

2 thoughts on “What would Mitch Hedberg say? – Part 1

  1. Pingback: What would Mitch Hedberg say… about Obamacare? «

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