What would Mitch Hedberg say… about Obamacare?
The follow-up to Part 1 of our series on what comedian Mitch Hedberg’s thoughts would be on the current political scene:
1. “I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts. And he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, ‘<Forget> that, I’ll just make a copy.’ “
Instead of carefully crafting an intelligent, financially responsible health care reform bill, Obama and the Democrats quickly crammed together 2,700 pages of raw government power, ignoring questions about efficiency, incentives, and constitutionality. The electorate asked for a rewrite and the Dems yelled back, “ that, we’ll just make a copy.”
2. “You know they call corn-on-the-cob ‘corn-on-the-cob,’ right? But that’s how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that ‘corn’, and they should call every other version ‘corn-off-the-cob.’ It’s not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm ‘Mitch’, but then reattach it and call it ‘Mitch-all-together.’ “
When you no longer allow insurance companies to factor in risk when pricing out their policies, and make them cover routine health care, then what they’re providing ceases to be insurance. They should now just call them ‘medical expense’ companies.
3. “My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah’.”
Democrats froze the costs of Obamacare at $900 billion by tricking the CBO into evaluating the bill on six years of cost and ten years of revenue, postponing full implementation for the long-term goal of getting government control of one-sixth of the economy.
4. “This shirt is ‘dry-clean only’…which means it’s dirty.”
Obama says IPAB is going to “reduce the rate of (Medicare) growth while not harming beneficiaries’ access to needed services”… which means it’s going to ration care.
5. “One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,’Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.’ Every picture is of you when you were younger. ‘Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.’ ‘You son-of-a-! How’d you pull that off? Lemme see that camera… what’s it look like?’ “
We still argue over how economic factors influenced the past, yet Congress takes seriously detailed claims about the future? The CBO’s predictions for 10 years out are absurd, and as realistic as a camera claiming to take a picture of you when you’re older.
6. “I was at the airport a while back and some guy said, ‘Hey man, I saw you on TV last night.’ But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he was just confirming that he saw me on television. So I turned my head away for about a minute, and looked back at him and said, ‘Dude! I saw you at the airport…about a minute ago… and you were good.’ “
After his disastrous arguments on Obamacare, people have been telling Obama Solicitor General Donald Verrilli, “Hey man, I saw you at the Supreme Court this week.”
7. “I’m sick of Soup of the Day, it’s time we made a decision. I wanna know what the <heck> the ‘Soup From Now On’ is.”
Democrats are tired of health care innovation. Obamacare’s message is essentially, “Thanks for all the experimentation and financial incentives that have led to progress in Western medicine for the last 100 years or so. We’ll take it from here.”
8. “Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.”
This mimics the Democrats simple viewpoint of “America has a problem. Not everyone has health insurance: Force everyone to buy insurance. Problem solved.”
9. “I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.”
Liberals love legislation. Obamacare is great when you want 2,700 pages of it in one bill.
10. “I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he’s fuzzy, get out of here.”
Solicitor General Verrilli has been given a hard time for his stammering incoherence during his arguments before the Supreme Court, but it’s not his fault. Any argument made in favor of Obamacare’s constitutionality was going to be blurry. “A large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside” describes Obamacare to a T.