Debate Breakdown: Romney assaults Obama in vicious hate crime

Coming to you live but also a day-and-a-half later, here’s our rundown of all the action from the first Romney/Obama presidential debate:

• Appears they have Statler moderating tonight’s debate. Odd that they’d get a Muppet Show character instead of one from Sesame Street considering it’s being hosted by PBS. And why didn’t they get Waldorf as well? Money issues? They’re much more effective as a team.

• Nevermind, the moderator is someone named Jim Lehrer, who introduces the candidates as my wife observes, “This guy looks like he died and they brought him back to life for this debate.” To be fair to Mr. Lehrer, maybe that is what happened. Can’t underestimate how difficult it must’ve been to find a moderator for these debates, what with the election being declared over a couple weeks ago. “We’re having a what? An election? When will these simple-minded Republicans just let us name Obama king and be done with all of this silliness?”

• Obama opens things up by awkwardly commemorating his wedding anniversary. Even Bill Clinton, best known for cheating on his wife in the Oval Office, could have pulled that off more convincingly. Surely he’s hoping Mitt Romney bails him out with a corny joke, “Enjoy your anniversary, because tonight is the start of your DIVORCE, from the presidency!”

• Maybe it’s because my two-year old has watched Toy Story 3 over fifty times in the last couple months, but Obama sure has a talking doll vibe going on. (pull string) “the greatest financial crisis since the great depression”, (pull string)  “the auto company has come roaring back”, (pull string) “doubled down on the top down policies”… but wait, for the 2012 version they added (pull string) “New Economic Patriotism!”

• Now Romney’s turn: “Mr. President.. I’m sure this was the most romantic place you could imagine, here – here with me… This is obviously a very tender topic.” Everyone said Romney needed to take some risks to come back in the polls, but trying to disorient your opponent with ambiguous sexual innuendo? I don’t know, seems desperate to me. But he is a good-looking man with impeccable hair, so if anyone can pull it off then it’s him.  Continue reading