Debate Breakdown: Romney assaults Obama in vicious hate crime

Coming to you live but also a day-and-a-half later, here’s our rundown of all the action from the first Romney/Obama presidential debate:

• Appears they have Statler moderating tonight’s debate. Odd that they’d get a Muppet Show character instead of one from Sesame Street considering it’s being hosted by PBS. And why didn’t they get Waldorf as well? Money issues? They’re much more effective as a team.

• Nevermind, the moderator is someone named Jim Lehrer, who introduces the candidates as my wife observes, “This guy looks like he died and they brought him back to life for this debate.” To be fair to Mr. Lehrer, maybe that is what happened. Can’t underestimate how difficult it must’ve been to find a moderator for these debates, what with the election being declared over a couple weeks ago. “We’re having a what? An election? When will these simple-minded Republicans just let us name Obama king and be done with all of this silliness?”

• Obama opens things up by awkwardly commemorating his wedding anniversary. Even Bill Clinton, best known for cheating on his wife in the Oval Office, could have pulled that off more convincingly. Surely he’s hoping Mitt Romney bails him out with a corny joke, “Enjoy your anniversary, because tonight is the start of your DIVORCE, from the presidency!”

• Maybe it’s because my two-year old has watched Toy Story 3 over fifty times in the last couple months, but Obama sure has a talking doll vibe going on. (pull string) “the greatest financial crisis since the great depression”, (pull string)  “the auto company has come roaring back”, (pull string) “doubled down on the top down policies”… but wait, for the 2012 version they added (pull string) “New Economic Patriotism!”

• Now Romney’s turn: “Mr. President.. I’m sure this was the most romantic place you could imagine, here – here with me… This is obviously a very tender topic.” Everyone said Romney needed to take some risks to come back in the polls, but trying to disorient your opponent with ambiguous sexual innuendo? I don’t know, seems desperate to me. But he is a good-looking man with impeccable hair, so if anyone can pull it off then it’s him. 

• Romney quickly promises to “Crack down on China, if and when they cheat.” China has a gulag where they harvest organs. I’d focus on that before any adultery issues.

• Obama again: (pull string) “100,000 new math and science teachers”, (pull string)  “Tax breaks for those investing in the United States.”

• Did Jim Lehrer just say “specifical”? Is that a word? “In as specific a way,” my wife corrects me, before continuing, “I hear dead people!”

• Romney begins an argument, “I have 5 boys…” Hmmm, will they spin this as a dog whistle attack in the War on Women?… Nope, he goes on to insinuate that boys are liars. Actually just his boys, which will surely open him up to an attack that all Romneys have a pathological lying gene.

• Why do they still call Romney “governor”? I was class president in 4th grade and no one refers to me by that title anymore.

• Okay, I lied, I was never class president, losing because my opponent claimed I wanted to wage a War on Women. Some things never change, huh?

• Okay, I lied again, she was just more popular than me.

• “Governor Romney’s plan may work for you.” #Obamaoutofcontext

• Mitt Romney just said he’s going to cut PBS funding AT THE PBS DEBATE! Don’t call him a panderer!

• (pull string) “more balanced approach…”

• Obama just claimed that businesses can get a tax break for building a plant overseas. That seems beyond ludicrous. Whoever was president the last four years really should’ve fixed that.

• Obama met “a teacher in Las Vegas, a wonderful young lady”… “with 42 kids”?!!! This is getting weird. Barry, I don’t know how to tell you this, but she was no “teacher’.

• “If you’re 54 or 55, you might want to listen ’cause this — this will affect you.” – Obama is often criticized for dividing up America, but focusing on that small a sliver of the electorate is extreme even by his standards.

• Obamacare “let’s you keep your kids… (pause)…on your insurance until they’re 26.” That was a weirdly timed pause. Glad he finished the thought. Must have had to flip his index card over mid-sentence.

• My wife chimes in, “Obamacare lets your kids stay on your health care until their 26? That’s stupid.” Thanks for finally joining the cause, honey.

• Romney: “Right now, the CBO says up to 20 million people will lose their insurance as Obamacare goes into effect next year.” Obama simultaneously shakes his head awkwardly on the split screen like he’s Michael Scott from The Office hearing something he doesn’t want to. Though, to be honest, dropping a “that’s what she said” might be Obama’s best chance for a comeback at this point.

• Now Romney is looking back and forth like a crackhead on the Chappelle show as Obama describes IPAB. Thankfully, he resists screaming “I’m rich, beyotch!!!!”

• Although Obama basically does it for the both of them, saying: “Governor Romney indicates that he wants to cut taxes and potentially benefit folks like me and him.” Obama made his fortune writing fiction books about himself and leveraging political power; a fortune that’s less than a tenth of the one Romney made by founding a company and creating value in the private sector. Watch, I can play that game too: “Usain Bolt thinks stretching potentially benefits folks who go running, like me and him.”

• Phew. We’re finally done. The only question left is whether Romney’s demolition of Obama is classified as a hate crime. Jim Geraghty of NRO sums it up well: “So we get to see the OBL kill photos tomorrow, right?”

• A bit disappointing that Lehrer didn’t look America in the eye and go, “Choose wisely…” like the 900 year old knight from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

• In closing, we all remember Will Ferrell playing George W. Bush, but little did we know that he’s also played the role of Mitt Romney. For those who missed the debate, let’s just say that Romney blacked out.

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