Weekly Breakdown: Roanoke Revelations

• President Obama gave an immediately infamous speech in Roanoke, VA last Friday. One line in particular led to disbelief and outrage, energizing the conservative movement in 13 words: “No, it’s true.  There is a term limit for Presidents.  You get two.” In response, Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Arizona said, “Yeah, you’re also supposed to be natural-born, but that didn’t stop him.” Catholic Cardinal Timothy Dolan chimed in, “Good to see he’s familiar with the 22nd Amendment. I guess he’s reading them backwards.” And Chief Justice John Roberts added, “Hmm, let me see if there’s a way around that.”

• Another interesting part of the speech was when Obama showed those concerned about Obamacare’s implementation how incredibly hands-on it would be: “…some of you have been standing for a while and I see a couple folks slumping down a little bit.  Make sure you’re drinking water.  Bend your knees.  Don’t stand up too straight… The paramedics will be coming by, so just give folks a little bit of room, they’ll be fine.” Parents with small children quickly left for fear he would begin explaining the HHS contraception mandate.

• Finally, Obama unleashed a line that is sure to define the campaign, staring an audience member straight in the eyes, proclaiming, “I would wake up every single morning thinking about you.” A surely humiliated Michelle Obama could not be reached for comment.

• According to reports from mainstream media members covering the event, nothing else of note was said during the speech.

• The Postal Service on Wednesday repeated its earlier announcement that without Congressional action it will default on August 1st. Congress, which had completely ignored the first notice, looked at this one a bit longer before also throwing it in the trash. “We’re going to wait for the Final Notice,” said House Speaker Boehner, “without the threat of a collection agency coming after you it’s hard to get motivated on stuff like this, which just seems like junk mail.”

• Republicans proposed a bill in response to the HHS Department’s announcement that they’d be granting waivers to the work requirement that was a key feature of the 1996 Welfare reform bill, arguing that the incentive to find employment was a driving factor that brought millions out of poverty.  Joe Biden fired back at Republicans, “Like anyone can actually find a job in this awful economy anyhow. I mean, the economy is literally in the toilet. Shoot, the only reason unemployment is as low as 8% is because of all the people who have given up search…” before being cut off mid-sentence by a jolt from the shock collar David Axelrod had installed.

• Recognizing the embarrassing nature of hosting their national convention in a stadium named after Bank of America, a company that symbolizes Wall Street failure and is associated with unethical home foreclosures, the DNC host committee began calling the venue “Panthers Stadium”. In other rebranding efforts, the Obama campaign is expected to begin referring to Joe Biden as “Hillary Clinton”.

• Democrats kept up their calls for Romney to release more tax returns, and continued to hit at his offshore holdings. Romney stated emphatically that he would not release any more returns, while noting that the offshore holdings are managed by a blind trust, adding, “I didn’t build those portolios. Somebody else made that happen.”

• On Wall Street, the major indexes had a solid, steady rise. Some market observers who had predicted that gloated about it afterwards. But let’s admit it, they just got lucky. I’m always struck by people who think, well, it must be because I was just so smart.

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