An upbeat optimist’s bright side take on election night’s silver linings
Some are feeling down about Obama getting reelected after a tumultuous four-year term and the hard left electoral realignment that it foreshadows. But unlike those negative Nancies, I prefer to look on the bright side of things. Here are some reasons I couldn’t be more excited about last night’s results:
Sex is now legally safe
For anyone who’s always wanted a career in the porn industry but just couldn’t get over their STD fears… fear no more! Los Angeles voted in favor of forcing porn actors to wear condoms. With this referendum being passed, it will finally be safe to be filmed having sex with strangers. What a relief that young ladies everywhere can join the porn industry without having to worry about any negative consequences. Even better, the countdown to the first national story about a teacher using a porno to teach sex education can officially commence, and be shortly followed by the countdown to that becoming the new national standard set by the Department of Education. Male teenagers everywhere rejoice!
The possibility of total societal collapse
We all saw what happened to Greece when they, like our recently reelected president and his zero-vote-receiving budgets, stopped acting like worker benefits and spending had to have any relation to reality: deadly rioting, former well off people picking food out of dumpster, you name it. Well get ready for that on a much larger scale, and with a much higher percentage of people with guns! That may sound frightening, but think about how boring your Office Space style existence is. You probably get up and drive to work everyday on your paved roads in your car filled with easily attainable gas. Get home to your picture perfect family, watch Dancing with the Stars and then hop online to see pictures of other people’s kids or if anyone liked your new Pinterest page… bleh…. who wants that? When the federal government’s bankruptcy leads to a total societal breakdown in law, order, commerce, and infrastructure, that garden in your backyard may no longer be just a hobby but necessary for survival. Ever hunted squirrels before? Because that might also get added to your honey-do list. And who knows, maybe you’ll be the one chosen to lead your local gang/cult/resistance up from the ruins. Dystopias may have their drawbacks, but at least they’re interesting, right?
You can’t kill yourself in Massachusetts
Liberal Massachusetts barely rejected a ballot measure that would have legalized physician-assisted suicide. That means when dystopia does arrive, those northeast liberal fools who voted for it will have to suffer through the consequences with the rest of us, and won’t be allowed to get a doctor’s note for a few pills to take the easy way out.
I’m kidding, of course. Once Obamacare’s death panels are fully operational, they won’t even have a choice in the matter.
Catholic hospitals will finally be put in their place
Obama’s reelection ensures the HHS abortion and contraception mandate will be cemented as law of the land (what, you think that sissy John Roberts is gonna stop it?) And listen, I like high quality health care as much as the next guy. I also appreciate that the Catholic call to charity, unlike the atheist call to be arrogant, inspired the creation of world-class health care facilities across the country, helping rich and poor alike. But that doesn’t give them the right to be all holier-than-thou about it.