• Missouri Republican Senate candidate Todd Akin caused a whirlwind when he conditioned certain rapes as “legitimate”, and referring to conception in those cases, further explained that “the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” Outrage across the political spectrum followed, with most Republicans calling for Akin to drop out from the race. He refused, explaining, “This was a simple mix-up. I’m reading a complete history of the world, and only recently reached the 1600s. Heck, I still haven’t heard what happens to those damn witches in Salem! Don’t spoil it for me!”

• Democrats quickly pounced on the gaffe, attempting to associate the offensive words with the Republican party at large. Word leaked that they were transitioning their convention to emphasize their party’s very pro-abortion stance. With some worried that they may come off as extreme in the other direction, DNC spokeswoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz in a private meeting assured her fellow party members that would not be the case. “We’re not gonna talk about President Obama’s opposition on the Born-Alive Infants Act or our support for Partial Birth abortion. We’re only gonna bring up the less extreme aspects of our pro-abortion position. You know, the legitimate baby killing.”

• Network coverage of the Republican convention has been scheduled to miss Ann Romney’s speech. I’m not sure if this has something to do with the “War on Women” or if it’s Ann Romney finding another way to avoid “ever working a day in her life”. Maybe it’s related to “the glass ceiling” or “paycheck fairness”.  Whatever the ultimate cause, I’m certain it involves some asinine political slogan.

• Speaking of the war on women, the Obama campaign released an ad of supposedly lifelong Republican women who were changing their vote to Obama based on the “extreme” positions Republicans have taken lately. Upon further review, it turned out that one of the women in the ad has been a registered Democrat since 2006, and that her Facebook likes included Obamacare and Bernie Sanders. Saying she is a lifelong Republican is like saying Barack Obama is a lifelong American.

“…oh come on people, I’m kidding, lighten up,” said Mitt Romney.

• The Justice Department was found to be actively recruiting dwarfs, schizophrenics, and the intellectually disabled. When reached for comment, Attorney General Eric Holder defensively responded, “They told me to do it.” When asked who “they” were, he went on, “The voices. You don’t hear them? And we need the dwarfs to fight the witches.”

• The Mars rover Curiosity shot some rocks with a laser beam, which leads to the question… are we purposefully trying to provoke the Martians at this point? Rumor has it that President Obama is trying to incite an inter-planetary war, hoping it’ll cause the country to rally around him and he’ll coast to re-election. Seriously, I heard that from one of the Justice Department’s newly hired lawyers.

• On Wall Street, the Dow Jones dropped almost a percent this week. Market observer Todd Akin said it was not a “legitimate” cause for concern, as the stock market “has ways to try to shut that whole thing down” before a market panic sets in.