Weekly Breakdown: A Taxing Week for Chief Justice John Roberts

  • English: President George W. Bush announces fr...Chief Justice John Roberts submitted an application to the New Yorker to have a glowing feature story written about how his incredibly “thoughtful” and “reasonable” demeanor have finally “brought credibility back to the Supreme Court.”
  • Chief Justice John Roberts published a long love note to President Obama. Even though Obama already voted against his Supreme Court confirmation and insulted him to his face in front of the entire country during the 2010 State of the Union address. In response, Justices Alito, Scalia, Thomas, and Kennedy bought Roberts a DVD of the hit movie He’s Just Not That Into You, saying “This is getting weird. You’re making us all uncomfortable. Please watch the movie.”
  • Chief Justice John Roberts finally released his much-anticipated 1984 II, a novel about a dystopian future with doublethink arguments where a statute is defined as either a tax or a regulation depending on which day it is. The arguments are initially laughed at by the court and mocked by the press, but are later solidified by Supreme Court opinion as double-plus good truths. Former President Bill Clinton’s blurb on the back cover says, “Is this a book you’ll like? It depends on what the meaning of ‘is’ is.”
  • Theories abounded that the Obamacare dissent was originally written as the majority opinion, before one of the votes in favor of striking the law changed his mind. In a related story, researchers located the last person in the country still swayed by President Obama’s speeches. His name is Chief Justice John Roberts.
  • Gay marriage advocates received a morale boost about their chances in a potential Supreme Court case when Chief Justice John Roberts switched teams.
  • Conservatives across the country were outraged by the Obamacare decision, with many exasperatingly arguing, “What now? Can the federal government mandate that everyone must eat broccoli?” Liberal pundits called these slippery slope arguments ludicrous, responding, “Of course not. All we’re proposing is to tax people who don’t.”
  • Arizona Governor Jan Brewer, who on Monday lost her bid to have the Supreme Court uphold her state’s immigration laws, immediately moved to pass a new law that would drive up healthcare costs, deter future doctors from entering the field, and generate the biggest tax hike in state history, but then remembered that the court ruled she couldn’t pre-empt federal law.
  • The EPA’s appeals court victory earlier in the week guaranteed their ability to regulate CO2, and thus regulate the air that people exhale, but they couldn’t figure out how to regulate people breathing in. Fearing the entire country would simply hold their breaths until their heads exploded, the EPA was relieved to hear Obamacare taxes people for breathing in as well, thus mitigating this statist crisis.
  • The House voted Attorney General Eric Holder in Contempt of Congress by a 255-67 margin. If you’re wondering why the total vote was much less than usual, it’s because dozens of Democrats walked out in protest, and over to the Supreme Court to ask Chief Justice John Roberts if he’d be willing to rewrite the Contempt resolution for them in a more favorable way.
  • On Wall Street, the stock market shot way down and then back up. Many market observers pretended there was something rationale about the activity.
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