Weekly Breakdown: Shady Finances
• Word spread of a massive scandal in which banks manipulated the LIBOR benchmark rates tied to $800 trillion in securities. At Palestine’s behest, the UN immediately held a vote to sanction Israel for this “Zionist Conspiracy”. When Israel explained that LIBOR was not a combination of their Likud and Labor political parties, and in fact had nothing to do with them, the UN lessened the penalty to a reprimand, with the recommendation that Israel release one Palestinian prisoner for each trillion dollars affected.
• San Bernardino became the third California city to declare bankruptcy, with reports that city budget officials had falsified documents for 13 of the last 16 years in an effort to hide the city’s lack of fiscal solvency. In a bid to save face, Mayor Patrick Morris said, “But what about those three honest years? No one talks about those. If you go 3 for 16 in baseball you’re a… ummm… what are we talking here, anyway, a few tens of millions? I mean, c’mon people, it’s not like we manipulated the LIBOR rates!”
• Identity thieves perpetrated a scam based on a fake federal program, in which they claimed “Obama will pay your utility bills” in order to solicit personal identification information. In a bizarre twist, the identity thieves subsequently declared bankruptcy after taking on so much debt. “In hindsight, our self-selection process was poor,” said one thief, “it turns out people who believe Obama will pay their bills don’t have great credit to begin with. Getting the state of California’s personal information was exciting at first, but it ended up sinking the whole operation.”
• Democrats launched a coordinated attack against Mitt Romney’s financial holdings in offshore accounts. DNC Chairwoman Debbie Wasserman-Schulz accused Romney of not being “committed to America.” Nancy Pelosi emphatically added, “Mitt Romney should invest like a respectable politician, by trading options based on insider legislative information, or using his power to get in on preferred IPOs.”
• Romney responded to Obama ads attacking him for outsourcing, calling them “misleading, unfair, and untrue”, while adding that Obama should be called the “outsourcer-in-chief”, since much of his federal spending on energy has gone to companies with overseas production. A furious Obama shot back, “Untrue? You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth! The only things I’ve outsourced are guns to Mexico, oil production to the Middle East, and military flexibility to Russia!” He then fell deathly quiet, realizing he had walked right into Romney’s trap. In a poor attempt to change the subject, he brought up Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ recent divorce.
• As a result of a disagreement over subscriber fees, DirecTV customers lost access to Viacom channels including Comedy Central, MTV, and Nickelodeon, blacking out staples such as The Daily Show, Teen Mom, and SpongeBob SquarePants. The greatest outcry was heard from the 18-24 demographic, who are now unsure of where they will get their news, as well as what they’ll watch to feel better about themselves or when they’re high.