BREAKING: Obama to raise campaign cash with five new products
Concerned that they are continually falling short of fundraising goals, the Obama campaign has decided to get creative. They are set to release five new pieces of Obama paraphernalia, which will serve the dual purpose of raising cash and highlighting a campaign theme.
VP Joe Biden has already deemed the move, “The smartest piece of campaign advertising since Abraham Lincoln organized that boxing match against Buster Douglas. Our guys have literally hit the ball out of the park with this one.”
The following are the five hot new products expected to be be sold via Obama’s campaign website in the coming months:
1. Obama Slow Jam ($4.99 bottle): Inspired by President Obama’s appearance on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, this “Slow Jam” comes in multiple delicious flavors. It takes a loooong time to get out of the squeeze bottle, but once it finally drips out they swear it’ll be delicious. It just takes awhile because of the poor bottle design by the original manufacturer. Be patient.
2. “Forward” DVR ($149.99): Because they cannot claim credit for economic progress, the Obama campaign created the slogan “Forward” to try to take credit for the progression of time. The “Forward” DVR has a remote control with only one button, “Forward”, allowing you to watch TV at regular speed. Like most everything that comes out the Obama campaign, it’s being presented as new but was actually invented around the time of the New Deal.
3. Elizabeth Warren Comic Book ($3.99) and Action Figure ($19.99): Based on the truish life story of the US Senate candidate from Massachusetts, the comic book tells the story of a superhero who is a run-of-the-mill Harvard law professor, but for 45 minutes each day (i.e. 1/32nd of a day) turns into a Cherokee Indian fighting against Republicans in the “War on Women”. Her daily transformation is a curse as punishment for her great-great-great grandfather leading Native Americans on the Trail of Tears. The action figure comes with both professional lawyer outfit and Cherokee war garb.
4. The “Obama killed Bin Laden” Commemorative Coin ($19.99): One side of the coin shows the president’s face with “I got him” in quotes, and the flip side has a picture of Osama Bin Laden and the word “DEAD”. The campaign claims it will be good luck to throw this coin into a fountain, similar to how Bin Laden was thrown in the ocean, you know, after Obama killed him.
5. The Book of Jobs ($25.99): Obama’s 2012 campaign book. White House press secretary Jay Carney recently commented on the message behind it: “This book will explain what the last 4 years have been all about. The administration has had a laser-like focus on creating Jobs. “Jobs, Jobs, Jobs” has been the president’s message. The funny thing is, we just realized we’ve been pronouncing it wrong. We didn’t mean “jobs” in the sense of employment, but were instead referencing the Biblical Job. It’s a metaphor for all the citizens whose lives have seemingly been ruined by the horrible economy we’ve overseen. They’re the modern day Jobs. What they don’t realize is that Obama is the God figure who has greater things planned for them in the afterlife, which means after he’s elected to a second term. We had a good laugh about all the confusion when we found out. This book should clear all that up.”