Weekly Breakdown: Presidential Vices

August 17, 2012 by Leave a comment

• The biggest news from the past week was Mitt Romney’s selection of Congressman Paul Ryan as the Republican vice presidential candidate. Both campaigns rushed to define him, with Republicans arguing that he is a bold proposer of entitlement reforms that would save Medicare, and Democrats countering that his budget plan cuts programs for the middle class in order to pay for tax breaks for the rich. Meanwhile, old southern women have defined him as “a tall drink a’ water with handsome eyes, who I’d be smitten to go tumblin’ ova’ a high cliff for, if ya’ll are catchin’ my drift.”

• Seeking to regain the spotlight, current Vice President Joe Biden said he was in Virginia when he was actually in North Carolina, then took on a southern accent and told a largely black audience that Republicans would “put ya’ll back in chains”. When advised that “any publicity is good publicity” was actually not the first rule of politics, Biden responded, “Well then where did I get that from? Ten Commandments? Fight Club? Or is that the one where you don’t ever talk about it? I hope that’s not politics because I wouldn’t be good at that one.”

• The next day, actually in Virginia, Biden rhetorically asked, “’Folks, where’s it written we cannot lead the world in the 20th Century in making automobiles?” When asked for comment on the gaffe, Biden’s new counterpart Paul Ryan responded, “It’s actually a riddle, and the answer is old USSR history textbooks.” Because Paul Ryan is brilliant.

• On Thursday, Biden attended a meeting with President Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Many speculated that the meeting could be about Clinton moving into the VP slot. The White House announced later in the day that they’d be sticking with Biden, who personally added, “I was the one who called this meeting. I wanted to assure Secretary Clinton that I will not let Republicans put her back in the kitchen.”

• On The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, First Lady Michelle Obama scolded multiple Olympic gold medal winner Gabby Douglas for eating an Egg McMuffin to celebrate her gymnastics victory. In response, Douglas queried Obama, “I’m sorry, how many straight backflips can you do? Or did you win your Olympic medals in the wet blanket competition?”

• A man stranded on his jet-ski swam 3 miles to shore, climbed an 8 foot fence, and walked undetected across the JFK runway right into the terminal. The incident was viewed as a huge indictment of the airport’s new, supposedly state-of-the-art security system, and a sign of vulnerability to terrorists. But let’s be honest, if the terrorists become capable of creating an Aquaman/Spiderman hybrid with invisibility powers, then we’ve got much bigger problems.

• Following similarly unusual purchases by the Department of Homeland Security and even more oddly, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, the Social Security Administration released a solicitation for 174 thousand rounds of bullets. When reached for comment, an SSA spokesman stated grimly, “We heard about Paul Ryan’s plans for Medicare. The Social Security Administration will not go down so easy.”
 
• On Wall Street, stocks went up on rumors that they might be unchained, and on a heavy US investment in gold.

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Weekly Breakdown: Roanoke Revelations

July 20, 2012 by Leave a comment

• President Obama gave an immediately infamous speech in Roanoke, VA last Friday. One line in particular led to disbelief and outrage, energizing the conservative movement in 13 words: “No, it’s true.  There is a term limit for Presidents.  You get two.” In response, Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Arizona said, “Yeah, you’re also supposed to be natural-born, but that didn’t stop him.” Catholic Cardinal Timothy Dolan chimed in, “Good to see he’s familiar with the 22nd Amendment. I guess he’s reading them backwards.” And Chief Justice John Roberts added, “Hmm, let me see if there’s a way around that.”

• Another interesting part of the speech was when Obama showed those concerned about Obamacare’s implementation how incredibly hands-on it would be: “…some of you have been standing for a while and I see a couple folks slumping down a little bit.  Make sure you’re drinking water.  Bend your knees.  Don’t stand up too straight… The paramedics will be coming by, so just give folks a little bit of room, they’ll be fine.” Parents with small children quickly left for fear he would begin explaining the HHS contraception mandate.

• Finally, Obama unleashed a line that is sure to define the campaign, staring an audience member straight in the eyes, proclaiming, “I would wake up every single morning thinking about you.” A surely humiliated Michelle Obama could not be reached for comment. Read more of this post

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Weekly Breakdown: Dumb Americans held in contempt

June 22, 2012 by Leave a comment

• Last Friday, President Obama stated his intention to ignore an aspect of current immigration law, bypassing Congress in defiance of the Constitution. Naturally, the media were outraged… when Daily Caller reporter Neil Munro bypassed the rest of the reporters and asked the President a question in defiance of Rose Garden press conference etiquette. Munro’s brazen disregard for process is putting the whole system at risk, am I right?!

• Greece’s something-or-another party won a close election, and a lot of Euro observers pretended to have a clue what that will mean. On a related note, Germany will play Greece in today’s Euro Cup quarterfinal. Germany is the heavy favorite, but the Greeks are expected to petition UEFA at halftime to force Germany to give back any first half goals.

• Retiring Democratic Congressman Gary Ackerman of New York did not hold back when asked about the biggest change over his 30 years in politics, saying, “I think the people have gotten dumber.” Democratic Party leaders immediately went into damage control mode, with VP Joe Biden responding, “I find Congressman Ackerman’s comparison between Old York and New York to be stuposterously unfair and unaccurate, literally a punch in the face to all middle class citizens.” President Obama also chimed in, saying, “Yes, we expected the people to be smarter by now, but that’s because we didn’t fully understand the depth of the hole of stupidity dug by the previous administration. Still, investments we’ve made in education over the last four years have steadily increased the level of intelligence across the 58 states.  Just recently I met a little girl in Idaho who was learning to speak Austrian.”

• Attorney General Eric Holder was recommended to be cited for contempt of Congress by a House Committee for his stonewalling over the Operation Fast and the Furious scandal. Holder feigned confusion at the vote, stating “This is another example of Republican partisanship having no bounds. The fact that I loved the Fast and Furious series and out-of-touch Republicans find them lame should not be a political issue. What movies President Obama and I watch together is certainly a matter of Executive Privilege.” Not realizing his mike was still on, Holder leaned over to Congressman Gary Ackerman and whispered, “The American people are dumb enough to believe that’s what this is all about, right?”

• In response to the contempt vote, Nancy Pelosi brought up the Karl Rove subpoena and the Bush administration’s claim of executive privilege, “I could have arrested Karl Rove on any given day,” Pelosi said to laughter, during a sit-down with reporters. “I’m not kidding. There’s a prison here in the Capitol … If we had spotted him in the Capitol, we could have arrested him.” When the gathered reporters suddenly realized she was being serious and asked her to elaborate, she eerily said, “Oh no. I’ve already said too much…” before scampering off. Later that day, John Grisham had a great idea for another bestseller.

• On Wall Street, the stock market jumped up and then back down this week, and a lot of market observers pretended to understand why.

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Breakdown of Saturday’s headlines: common sense to common headaches

May 13, 2012 by Leave a comment

the log of the political part the common sense...

In his weekly address, President Obama (con)descended from his cloud of nuanced genius to push “a few common-sense policies that would make a difference” with the economy, boiled down so completely that even we peons could understand. Later in the day, Rick Santorum used weaponized hypocrisy to give Obama a headache. We may have jumbled that last sentence, so here is our full breakdown of the bias from this Saturday’s MSM headlines:

1. CNN: “Hypocrisy in same-sex marriage debate?
Black church leaders arguing against same-sex marriage are making some of the same arguments that supporters of slavery made, some historians say”

Well if “some historians” are saying so… but what about the rest of the historian lot, who we’ll call “historians able to make distinctions”? The article criticizes the method of argument, but is noticeably light on substance (i.e. addressing the difference between skin color and sexual actions).  As if previous distortions of Scripture have made the source illegitimate for all, well, eternity. For good measure, the CNN Belief blog author quotes a lamentation that black churches are on “the wrong side of history”. Maybe, but what side of meaningless clichés are they on?  Read more of this post

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The Gospel according to Nancy

April 3, 2012 by 1 Comment

Nancy Pelosi

Jeff Greenfield of Yahoo’s “The Ticket” blog thought this would just be a run-of-the-mill interview with Nancy Pelosi. Little did he expect to hear the most profound parable since Jesus dropped “The Prodigal Son”:

So, I asked House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi in an interview the other night, what could keep the Democrats from retaking the House of Representatives in November? She pointed to a cup on the table between us. “When the Republican leadership tells its members, ‘there is a blue cup on the table,’ every Republican repeats, ‘there is a blue cup on the table,’” she said. She sighed. “When I tell my fellow Democrats, ‘there is a blue cup on the table,’ one will say ‘there is a blue cup on a round table.’ Another will say, ‘there is a blue cup next to Nancy Pelosi’s cup.’ Another: ‘a blue cup on a brown table.’”

Now I understand why Democrats didn’t have time to read Obamacare before passing it. They were too busy getting stoned and contemplating that blue cup. I bet they really got off track when Joe Biden started arguing that it was actually a purple monkey.  Read more of this post

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