Big Brother shuts down Little Sisters of the Poor

little sisters of the poorCaught between their Catechism and Caesar, the Little Sisters of the Poor must either pay crippling fines or defy their church’s teaching and comply with the Obama Administration’s contraception and abortifacient mandate. It’s fair to say that you’ve surrendered any claims to pragmatism when your policies force those who have taken a vow of chastity to buy birth control. When my grandchildren ask me if there was a point when I knew for certain that the United States was going down the tubes, I’m going to say, “Yes, it was when we made the nuns buy condoms. That’s when I knew.”

The Little Sisters won’t be able to afford the fines for refusing to comply, and since all of their older siblings are Poor, they can’t expect much financial help there either. As a result, they’ve announced that they may be forced to move their order out of the country due to the religious intolerance. If that happened, the United States would join a prestigious list of Little Sister religious oppressors that includes the Chinese communists and Myanmar military junta. That’s like the Brazilian national soccer team suddenly joining an NFL division that included the Oakland Raiders and Baltimore Ravens, only incredibly sad instead of absolutely fascinating.  Continue reading

Weekly Breakdown: The end is near

• The presidential debate on foreign policy was held Monday night, and basically Mitt Romney played that game where you repeat everything someone says until that person starts to get really annoyed.

• The day after the debate, President Obama released his creepily titled new book, “The New Economic Patriotism:  A Plan for Jobs and Middle Class Security”.  His last campaign book was 464 pages and covered the next 50 months. This most recent book is 20 pages.  Republicans are hopeful that the proportionality is a sign of his impending defeat, while Democrats are scoffing that it is meaningless… well, except for Dennis Kucinich, who pulled out both his pocket calculator and pocket Mayan calendar before audibly gasping.

• Indiana Republican Senate candidate Richard Mourdock clumsily phrased his response to a debate question about abortion, which sounded as though he thought a rape that caused pregnancy was something “God intended to happen”, when he meant to say the resulting human life was. When reached for comment, Missouri Senate candidate Todd Akin replied, “Pregnancy from rape? If something impossible happens then of course God intended it. It’s called a miracle, dummies!”  

• In a Libya scandal that gets more depressing by the day, emails were released showing that the White House was made aware just two hours after the attack that a terrorist group had claimed credit. Defending themselves, the White House said that when it saw the email came from Africa, they immediately deleted it, assuming it was just another billionaire Nigerian prince thanking Joe Biden for providing all of his personal information for a “mutually profitable opportunity”.

• In Italy, six scientists were sentenced to jail for not properly communicating to the public the possibility of an earthquake, which occurred soon after, killing 300 people. Critical in the case was the prosecution’s surprise witness, noted natural disaster expert Kanye West, who testified, “Those geologists don’t care about Italian people.”  Continue reading

Debate Breakdown: Romney assaults Obama in vicious hate crime

Coming to you live but also a day-and-a-half later, here’s our rundown of all the action from the first Romney/Obama presidential debate:

• Appears they have Statler moderating tonight’s debate. Odd that they’d get a Muppet Show character instead of one from Sesame Street considering it’s being hosted by PBS. And why didn’t they get Waldorf as well? Money issues? They’re much more effective as a team.

• Nevermind, the moderator is someone named Jim Lehrer, who introduces the candidates as my wife observes, “This guy looks like he died and they brought him back to life for this debate.” To be fair to Mr. Lehrer, maybe that is what happened. Can’t underestimate how difficult it must’ve been to find a moderator for these debates, what with the election being declared over a couple weeks ago. “We’re having a what? An election? When will these simple-minded Republicans just let us name Obama king and be done with all of this silliness?”

• Obama opens things up by awkwardly commemorating his wedding anniversary. Even Bill Clinton, best known for cheating on his wife in the Oval Office, could have pulled that off more convincingly. Surely he’s hoping Mitt Romney bails him out with a corny joke, “Enjoy your anniversary, because tonight is the start of your DIVORCE, from the presidency!”

• Maybe it’s because my two-year old has watched Toy Story 3 over fifty times in the last couple months, but Obama sure has a talking doll vibe going on. (pull string) “the greatest financial crisis since the great depression”, (pull string)  “the auto company has come roaring back”, (pull string) “doubled down on the top down policies”… but wait, for the 2012 version they added (pull string) “New Economic Patriotism!”

• Now Romney’s turn: “Mr. President.. I’m sure this was the most romantic place you could imagine, here – here with me… This is obviously a very tender topic.” Everyone said Romney needed to take some risks to come back in the polls, but trying to disorient your opponent with ambiguous sexual innuendo? I don’t know, seems desperate to me. But he is a good-looking man with impeccable hair, so if anyone can pull it off then it’s him.  Continue reading

Weekly Breakdown: The magical world of movies

• Mother Jones released a secret video of Mitt Romney at a private fundraiser in May, where he stated that he would not seek the votes of the 47% of Americans that paid no income taxes and were dependent on government. Outrage ensued, and President Obama responded forcefully, saying you can’t become president when “writing off a big chunk of the country.” He continued, “You see, the key is to identify a much smaller sliver of the country, like the top 1 or 2%, and demonize them in order to rally the rest of the country around you in an envy stoked fury. That’s how you become president.”

• Republicans pounced on a different video, one from 1998 that has President Obama declaring, “I believe in redistribution.” Republicans believe that the video provides an unsettling snapshot of his true ideology. “His comments give the impression that Obama wants to ‘spread the wealth around’. No way he gets elected after saying something like that,” said Joe Wurzelbacher, or as he now goes by, Joe the Very Sarcastic Plumber.

• Tensions continued to rise between China and Japan this week as the result of a territorial dispute regarding the Senkaku Islands. When asked for comment, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney emphatically stated, “While the administration still believes that any escalation into violence is unacceptable, these rising tensions are clearly the result of a disgusting and reprehensible movie that mocks a great people’s history with vicious stereotyping, depicting Asian-American sorcerers who kidnap young women. I’m of course talking about Big Trouble in Little China.” Continue reading

Weekly Breakdown: Chicago Teachers and Radical Muslims strike

• The Chicago Teachers Union, whose median salary of $71K dwarfs the $27K median per capita income of other Chicago residents, went on strike after rejecting a pay increase of 16% in a city of 9% unemployment. That’d be like Alfonso Soriano of the Cubs, wildly overpaid and underachieving on a losing team, holding out for a new contract. Or already filthy rich Wall Street CEOs expecting million dollar severance packages after running their companies into the ground, or… okay, now I see where they got the idea from.

• Apart from salary, one of the main drivers of the strike was union outrage over plans to use standardized tests to evaluate teacher performance. “Being judged based on the performance of our students is inherently unfair. It’d be like judging Barack Obama on the poor economic performance of American citizens who just don’t seem to get the story he’s trying to tell.” said union head Karen Lewis, in an illogical yet bizarrely consistent comparison.

• Paul Ryan made an opportune quip about the situation, stating, “We stand with Mayor Rahm Emanuel!” Not understanding the importance of timing, circumstance, or logic in making a joke, Joe Biden sought to counter his VP opponent by stating, “And I sit with Clint Eastwood, cause he has an empty chair!”

• Mitt Romney quickly expressed outrage at the tragic embassy attacks in Egypt and Libya, where four Americans were killed, specifically criticizing a Cairo embassy statement that preceded the attacks.  The press colluded to ask him loaded questions that implied he was inappropriately politicizing the situation. Romney steadfastly stood by his previous statements, similar to how former President Bush stubbornly stood by his disastrous decision to remain in Iraq, and… OH NO I’VE TURNED INTO ONE OF THEM!  Continue reading