Liar Liar 2: When Presidential Promises Contradict

liar liar

What did the once great Chris Rock say, that the president is like “the dad of the country”?

If that’s the case, then it looks like Obama is one of those terrible dads from the movies who promises his son he’ll be at his baseball game but also tells his boss he won’t miss the important meeting occurring at the same time. Basically, he’s Jim Carrey in Liar Liar. Continue reading

An upbeat optimist’s bright side take on election night’s silver linings

Some are feeling down about Obama getting reelected after a tumultuous four-year term and the hard left electoral realignment that it foreshadows. But unlike those negative Nancies, I prefer to look on the bright side of things. Here are some reasons I couldn’t be more excited about last night’s results:

Sex is now legally safe
For anyone who’s always wanted a career in the porn industry but just couldn’t get over their STD fears… fear no more! Los Angeles voted in favor of forcing porn actors to wear condoms. With this referendum being passed, it will finally be safe to be filmed having sex with strangers. What a relief that young ladies everywhere can join the porn industry without having to worry about any negative consequences. Even better, the countdown to the first national story about a teacher using a porno to teach sex education can officially commence, and be shortly followed by the countdown to that becoming the new national standard set by the Department of Education. Male teenagers everywhere rejoice!

The possibility of total societal collapse
We all saw what happened to Greece when they, like our recently reelected president and his zero-vote-receiving budgets, stopped acting like worker benefits and spending had to have any relation to reality: deadly rioting, former well off people picking food out of dumpster, you name it. Well get ready for that on a much larger scale, and with a much higher percentage of people with guns! That may sound frightening, but think about how boring your Office Space style existence is. You probably get up and drive to work everyday on your paved roads in your car filled with easily attainable gas. Get home to your picture perfect family, watch Dancing with the Stars and then hop online to see pictures of other people’s kids or if anyone liked your new Pinterest page… bleh…. who wants that? When the federal government’s bankruptcy leads to a total societal breakdown in law, order, commerce, and infrastructure, that garden in your backyard may no longer be just a hobby but necessary for survival. Ever hunted squirrels before? Because that might also get added to your honey-do list. And who knows, maybe you’ll be the one chosen to lead your local gang/cult/resistance up from the ruins. Dystopias may have their drawbacks, but at least they’re interesting, right?

You can’t kill yourself in Massachusetts  Continue reading

Video Breakdown of the Wisconsin Recall “Democracy is dead” Guy

Today is the site’s first breakdown of a video, as well as our first breakdown of someone breaking down. If you need more motivation to enthusiastically get behind Romney for the upcoming presidential campaign, look no further than this video, which will be the approximate tone and level of grace that we can expect from an Obama concession speech:

Onto our second by second breakdown of this instant classic:

0:00 – “This hurts us all. Every single one of you out there in the nation, if you’re watching.”
Being that you’re on CNN, no, no one’s watching. But don’t worry, thanks to the internet you’ll go viral by morning… although not for the reasons you’re hoping. The only hurt being felt by all will be their sides, which will be splitting from laughter.

0:04 – “Democracy died tonight.”
Two popular elections in less than 2 years, the second one setting turnout records (with some liberal areas obliterating them), signals democracy’s death? Does he also exasperatingly declare  “Football died tonight” at the end of each Superbowl?

Continue reading

BREAKING: Obama to raise campaign cash with five new products

Pete Souza, Official White House PhotographerConcerned that they are continually falling short of fundraising goals, the Obama campaign has decided to get creative.  They are set to release five new pieces of Obama paraphernalia, which will serve the dual purpose of raising cash and highlighting a campaign theme.

VP Joe Biden has already deemed the move, “The smartest piece of campaign advertising since Abraham Lincoln organized that boxing match against Buster Douglas. Our guys have literally hit the ball out of the park with this one.”

The following are the five hot new products expected to be be sold via Obama’s campaign website in the coming months:

1. Obama Slow Jam ($4.99 bottle): Inspired by President Obama’s appearance on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, this “Slow Jam” comes in multiple delicious flavors. It takes a loooong time to get out of the squeeze bottle, but once it finally drips out they swear it’ll be delicious. It just takes awhile because of the poor bottle design by the original manufacturer. Be patient.

2. “Forward” DVR ($149.99): Because they cannot claim credit for economic progress, the Obama campaign created the slogan “Forward” to try to take credit for the progression of time. The “Forward” DVR has a remote control with only one button, “Forward”, allowing you to watch TV at regular speed. Like most everything that comes out the Obama campaign, it’s being presented as new but was actually invented around the time of the New Deal.

3. Elizabeth Warren Comic Book ($3.99) and Action Figure ($19.99): Based on the truish life story of the US Senate candidate from Massachusetts, the comic book tells the story of a superhero who is a run-of-the-mill Harvard law professor, but for 45 minutes each day (i.e. 1/32nd of a day) turns into a Cherokee Indian fighting against Republicans in the “War on Women”. Her daily transformation is a curse as punishment for her great-great-great grandfather leading Native Americans on the Trail of Tears. The action figure comes with both professional lawyer outfit and Cherokee war garb.

4. The “Obama killed Bin Laden” Commemorative Coin ($19.99): One side of the coin shows the president’s face with “I got him” in quotes, and the flip side has a picture of Osama Bin Laden and the word “DEAD”. The campaign claims it will be good luck to throw this coin into a fountain, similar to how Bin Laden was thrown in the ocean, you know, after Obama killed him.

5. The Book of Jobs ($25.99): Obama’s 2012 campaign book. White House press secretary Jay Carney recently commented on the message behind it: “This book will explain what the last 4 years have been all about. The administration has had a laser-like focus on creating Jobs. “Jobs, Jobs, Jobs” has been the president’s message. The funny thing is, we just realized we’ve been pronouncing it wrong. We didn’t mean “jobs” in the sense of employment, but were instead referencing the Biblical Job. It’s a metaphor for all the citizens whose lives have seemingly been ruined by the horrible economy we’ve overseen. They’re the modern day Jobs. What they don’t realize is that Obama is the God figure who has greater things planned for them in the afterlife, which means after he’s elected to a second term. We had a good laugh about all the confusion when we found out. This book should clear all that up.”

Life of Elizabeth Warren

Elizabeth Warren - Caricature

(Photo credit: DonkeyHotey)

Today the Obama campaign posted the spectacularly creepy Life of Julia on his website, an advertisement for cradle-to-grave government lived out in the progressive fantasy world where Obama is a Hugo Chavez-esque president-for-life. Lesser known is the Obama campaign’s initial concept for a Life of Elizabeth Warren website.

We’ve obtained a copy of the initial draft:

1. In Kindergarten, Elizabeth Warren is told that her great-great-great grandmother may have been a Cherokee Indian. She dresses up as a Native American for Thanksgiving.

Under Mitt Romney, cuts to education funding will force the cancellation of Thanksgiving plays, affecting millions of students like Elizabeth Warren.

2. In high school, Elizabeth Warren decides to enter a beauty contest after receiving a compliment on her “high cheekbones”. She comes in 4th place, and claims she was discriminated against for not living on the reservation like the other three contestants.

Under Mitt Romney, discrimination lawsuits like Elizabeth Warren’s will be severely restricted, and beauty pageants will probably be outlawed.

3. In the 1980s, Elizabeth Warren cites her made up Indian Heritage as a way to take advantage of affirmative action benefits, helping her gain a position on the faculty at Harvard Law, who list her as evidence of their diversity.

Under Mitt Romney, America will become a colorblind society where people are judged based on the content of their character. Thousands of people with made up heritage like Elizabeth Warren will no longer receive benefits for the persecution they never actually faced.

4. At 62, Elizabeth Warren runs for the Senate, and her history of pretending to be an Indian comes out. Hilarity ensues.

Under Mitt Romney… ummm… did we tell you how Mitt’s great-grandfather was a polygamist? Those Mormons are weirdos, right?